Weight.

Monday, July 04, 2011
12:06 PM

Hello.

I'm gonna be a little whiney today, so please bear with me.

There's something that's been bothering me a long time now, and still always is.

Everytime I head out to meet some of my friends, I always expect to hear some kind of comment about my size, my legs, my something, but I never seem to be quite ready for it.

I've never really let criticisms get to me and it's pretty easy for me to brush them aside.

I always kind of knew that they were said to bring you down, but coming from my friends, that's a little hard to swallow.

Sometimes, I know that the comments people give to me are for my own good and they mean well.

Sometimes, they're not.

I can always tell the difference.

Thus, it always irritates me when I notice the hint of (i don't know) deliberateness in the way they put it across?

I've always been a rather confident girl, and as narcissistic as this is going to sound, I like how I look. There are of course off days, but in general, yes, I like how I look. I've grown to learn to appreciate myself and wouldn't trade any part of me for the world (sure, once in a while I think I'd prefer myself with bigger boobs, a little more height, a higher nose bridge perhaps, but hey, that's life. a girl's gotta make the best of what she's got right?).

I know that I wasn't really born with this self esteem, maybe just half of it, and the rest developed with compliments people gave me (of course I don't believe in the half of them, but still).

What some these friends would say almost everytime they see me is that I'm too too skinny, or that I look scary, or that I've become even skinnier since the last time they saw me (okay, i get it, but technically, if i'm really skinnier everytime they saw me, i should have been reduced to nothing but bones by now). Sometimes, I catch them scrutinizing me for a very long while, and I'd think, oh man, here we go again, and of course, just like clockwork, it goes off.

Some of the comments, to me are kind of harsh, especially when I've heard them one too many times, from the same few people no less.

I know, how little this may sound, or how I must sound like I'm making all out of nothing.

How bad can it be to be called too skinny when gazillion of girls are running the diet rat race out there every single day?

Sometimes, I cannot be bothered and I'm convinced that I still look okay. I'm not totally delusional so I do know that I'm smaller than alot of girls out there, and it would probably be good if I had a teensy weeeny bit more (i'm convinced i can't be too fat, heck, i'm just a little close to 160 !).

But after awhile, the criticisms starts getting to you. "Your legs are like sticks" coming from my friends of years, and in my mind I'd be like hey ! I like my legs. A second later, I can feel the self esteem seeping out of me, and my confidence wavering, and in my mind, I'd like the way I look that much lesser.

So I'd wonder, as I began seething while they continue on their little debate, what is their point in saying all this? They better than anyone must know that I was born like this and do not deliberately try to be so petite. I don't watch what I eat, nor do I exercise. I love fatty meat, and gorge myself with nice food every chance I get.

So, why?

I may be overthinking it, but it always feels like they're bent on proving their point and having everyone agree that I'm way too skinny.

Sometimes, I'd feel extra mean and decide that perhaps it makes them feel better and of acceptable weight if I'm too skinny. Hem, I suppose that's extra extra extra mean, but, hey.

Okay okay fine. I give, you win and I look like this. Now I should go dig a hole and hide myself in it forever for I am hideous and scary looking.

Do you see now how skinny can be a criticism? I strongly believe that looking plump would be better than that. (I'm also very sorry for using this model's photo and if I ever see her, I'll buy her a cheeseburger)

I'm only a girl and when I get home, it does bother me. It bothers me as much as it does if your friends tell you you look fat or have gotten fatter over and over and over and over again. Though, I doubt any friend in their right mind and who also happens to value her life would do that. Even if it's the truth. Lol ! I'm kidding.

It won't be long until you start believing you look like a hippopotamus too.

Sometimes, I get quiet and a little moody if I ever consider what they've said. I start wondering if I'm anorexic. Or if I look that way. But hey ! I have cheeseburgers and fries for dinner and pizzas for lunch !

Heck, at least I'm don't weight 4okg and go " I need to dieeeeeeeet agaaaaaain", or "Oh nooooooooo. I'm soooooooo faaaaaaaaaaaat. ):" on facebook once every 2 days.

If knew that girl, I'd try to put her in her place by reminding her how skinny she is already.

But I don't, so why?

I would never ever tell someone they're too fat, or that they look horrible so fatty everywhere. That's just rude.

So why isn't it plain rude theother way around?

They too are unrelentlessly commenting on my body, my weight, and trying to let me know that I look awful. At the same time, they're trying to lose weight and seriously, I don't think they'll stop even if they reach they're 40s (as in kg). So why?

I know how petty I must sound. Lol, I know.

I'd be all sad that day and the boy will hear that there's something wrong and he'd just laugh if I told him. Then he'd go on to tell me that I look fine and he likes me just the way I am. Of course I'd go LIAR !! You'd like it more if I had bigger boobs right??? He'll laugh but in my mind, with all those neverending comments, I'd really think he's lying.

All the time, I can only sigh in exasperation and all retorts I think up on how I love my own body, and nothing they say can convince me otherwise would dissipate as quickly as my sanity. I'd fumble and never get my point across.

They are letting me know it's not okay to look the way I look just as the world is telling them that it isn't okay to look the way they look, hence the diets. So why?

Everytime I meet a girl, they always always seem to tell me the very same thing. That they've gained weight. And I'd think that's okay, honestly, like, gained weight WHERE? It doesn't even matter to me. They're still the same person inside aren't they?

So you're fat, she's thin, you're tall, she's short. Your thighs are smaller, her thighs has cellulite. You've got a tummy, she doesn't. Whatever man.

I still believe that it's important not to try too hard and to be comfortable in your own skin. Confidence shines through more than anything and people smell low self esteem from miles away.

So I'm too skinny, yeah yeah. I'll get the chance to be fat when I'm 40, thank you very much.

In the words of Reese Witherspoon - "It's one of those endless competitions, but it's like running a race towards nothing. There's no winning. You're never going to win the thin race. You're never going to win the pretty race. You're never going to win the smart race. You're never going to win the funny race. I just want to be the best version of myself I can be."

Seriously, if I can't love myself the way I am, then who can? And those are my own words.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but sometimes, you know. It gets to you.

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2 Comments:

Cheer up girl. Don't get the comments affect you, you lead your own life. Show off to them that you're skinny and they're not! hahaha :)

By  XIAOHAN, at 12:09 AM  

Alamak, why you so sweet Xiaohan. I miss you alot suddenly ! Lol. (:(:

By  rachael, at 4:02 AM  

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