I've been reading some books lately, and usually, I'd snub the girlie loveydovey novels (yes, sometimes i do try too hard) and pick the ones that look a little more serious. However, you can only read so many conspiracy stories before they all sound the same.

So, these couple of weeks, I've been strategically trying to pick books a little more lighthearted and humorous- you know, the ones that will hopefully give me a bang for my buck. If it makes me laugh AND teaches me something about life, then that's a bonus.

Because the truth is, I'm a real scrooge if it doesn't concern clothes, bags or shoes. Yes, I'm materialistic, but I'm also a twenty year old living in a very superficial world. That's just the way it is.

So, these stories I've read, all in one way or another, are about relationships. Mostly man-woman relationships, there are the occasional ones on family and friendship, but I won't go into that. If I do, you'll probably take 2 days to finish this essay.

When I read, I always take sides. That is, unless the characters in the book are lovable to a fault which isn't very often in stories these days if you know what I mean. So yes, I'm always taking sides, and yes, this is probably because I'm a very bias person and have very extreme views on how things should be as I'm very often told.

If I said reading sets me thinking about love, and sometimes life, it's probably a little misconstrued because the truth is, these things are like the only things that I ever think about. Of course, occasionally there are the compulsory thoughts such as what to eat, shopping, judgmental thoughts about people, bla bla. But that's besides the point.

I think about it almost everyday. I wonder, I question, almost too much for my own good.

I don't know about other girls, but I do think that love, is the biggest deal in life and everything it is about.

It may sound extremely petty, but I do believe that a person's state of happiness is dependent

on the romantic relationship you are in.

I also too feel like, the person you choose to spend your life with can make or break it.

Also, pretty petty and I guess as a young female, saying that can't sound too empowering.

Don't get me wrong, I do not think that we're dependent on guys. I've never been much a feminist but I most definitely do not condone sexism. Guys can sometimes be that way which, I sometimes find rather irritating.

Digressing, have ever heard a guy say " You can't do ____ but I can. Because you're a girl and I'm a guy". Yes, and I also want to roll my eyes to the back of my head.

But that's besides the point for what I'm writing about today. It's actually really, nothing, and I probably do not have a conclusion to it, but I am however, very inspired.

Okay, so where was I?

Um, that romantic relationships are the crux of everything? No no. I think it's actually that THE romantic relationship's the most important thing that matters.

Anyways.

I grew up with Disney and probably have watched those cartoons one too many times. And a little while back, I was wondering, is it okay to allow kids to watch those things? I mean, most of them are about Princesses finding their one true love- and they tell us we shouldn't get into relationships so young.

I mean, those things practically forces the idea of BGR down our throats.

So, like I said, one too many times. I practically remember every princess' name. The ones I like most should be Ariel, Aurora and Belle.

Aurora because of her beautiful gown (nothing else really, I don't even remember her ever speaking), Belle because of how headstrong she was, and Ariel. Well, after On Stranger Tides, I think we can pretty much all admit that most of us can't turn down the mysterious mermish allure. Plus I swear she has the tiniest waist.

I do not have a favourite prince, they always felt like accessories didn't they? Put aside until they were required to save the day. Granted, all of them were pretty charming (haha), and if I had to choose, it would be Beast cause I remember him to be quite hot.

So anyway !

I grew up like that. Dreaming of a prince (haha, yeah, laugh if you must). Thus, I think I grew up a romantic, as many a cliche novels would put it, those are the worst. Seriously, I've read this line sooooo many times that I feel like asking my money back everytime I come across it.

And then, I got older. Of course.

Like alot of girls my age, I started dating preeeeetty young. It's that darned Disney I tell you. And Titanic. Oh Jack.

I listened to Jay Chou, and had these many weird ideas. Thinking back, I do agree now that kids shouldn't date too young. I didn't even know where my mind was at, and the worst part was that I thought I did.

I liked boys because other girls thought were cute. Seriously (like seriously?). Oh, youth.

The end of a relationship felt like the end of the world to me, although, I guuuuuesse it'll still kind of feel like that now but a little better I hope.

Of course, I grew up to realize that we're all capable of moving on. My heart really goes to those girls who jump because of relationship problems, because we all move on, and they didn't get the chance to witness someone more special, someone more worthy of them.

So growing older, made me more of a realist. Which is pretty handy when you're what they say's the worst, a romantic.

I'm still always having weird thoughts and notions which I guess is my main point in all this, and they're sometimes a dilemma and can be very puzzling.

At this age, I think that marriage is everything, but doesn't mean a thing.

Does that even make sense?

I've seen one too many times, where couples who have been together years, and years, and years, grow to ignore each other's rants, or hate each other's guts or, I don't know. What else?

I've seen it firsthand and of course, I've read about it.

Couples who drift apart after 20 years together and cannot even bear to take a glance at theother party, or speak amicably. Couples who blatantly ignore each other, going about their day's business. Even people who grow to detest their partner for putting them in the position they're in. A house that's not quite their dream, children not quite what they wanted, a spouse who did not live up to expectations, a life of what they feel like is regret, and they blame theother party.

There are countless problems, and I will not be able to list them all, I'm pretty sure of that.

I think that a marriage means nothing the moment a guy has a wandering eye and wishes to be someplace else other then where he is- which is married to his aging cellulite growing naggy wife. Or vice versa. Another thing which surprises me is that people seem to forget that unfaithfulness doesn't limit to genders.

I guess the thing that summarizes the above is that I see couples grow sick, and by sick I mean thoroughly SICK of each other's company.

You must think I'm exaggerating but I KNOW. At least about this, I'm not. It's depressing I tell you. You can tell apart the couples who still love each other and are in it because they're responsible, trying to keep their word to each other as opposed to the ones who are just in it.

And then, in Singapore context's of course, there are the uncles who decides to pick up a girl half his age just for the fun of it (i'm guessing it's not because of love). Who's to say he didn't adore his wife when they just met?

I can never decide which is sadder. The not even interested in speaking couple or the ones who stray couple. I paint a pretty bleak picture, yes?

As I'm nearing 21, everytime marriage is brought up or even when I think about it, really think about it, not just in the oh-so-happy-in-a-teenage-dream-sense, I get kind of jittery.

Perhaps, it's still too early to think about these all, but like I said, it's almost all I think about since I was probably 5. It was kind of always in my head.

50 years is a long time to spend with someone.

How am I supposed to choose when I hardly know what love is??

Everytime, I read a book, and someone cheats (it's a little weird but the one who cheats always seem to be the protagonist), I'd really really really dislike the character.

Like close to hate dislike. I suppose I may have my reasons.

Sometimes it's the guy, sometimes it's the girl. It doesn't really matter which.

Most of the time my heart breaks more when it's the girl who's unfaithful, don't ask me why.

Then of course, as we all know, everybody suffers and ends up miserable, usually the sinner most. And in my mind, I'd always think that that persons deserves everything he/she's getting. They should have known better.

But should they?

I can't even say for myself that I would never ever do it. Lose interest in someone, find yourself thinking day by day that somebody else is that much more special.

I feel like I won't now, but who's to say anything about the future?

We all know about that happy bubble at the start of a relationship. The air smells different, fresher. You don't even taste the food cause you're too excited eating with that special someone. Nothing can bring you down, even the screaming baby on the bus amuses you. For some, it could be a few months, others the first year, some other the first five years.

And then everything just starts getting a little too old, a little too familiar, a little too snappish, a little too taken for granted. And then, after that it's just a humdrum.

So, what? Then what?

I don't know.

Oh yes ! And I'm also always having this weird idea.

I never thought much of Romeo and Juliet. Mainly because, I think Juliet was like 14? And probably Romeo too, ya, around there.

Like I said, I have grown to feel like 13nish 14nish is not a very good state of mind to be in love but hey, again, I could be wrong.

Plus they only met each other a couple of times ! Plus Romeo was interested in Juliet's cousin before he met her !

Which kind of further convinces me that I'm right on this point. I'm pretty sure that if they had more time together, instead of being so hasty, IF they had more time together.

If their families had magically agreed to let them be together, or if they had managed to run away together, they would not have lasted.

I'm not saying they're happily ever after is not possible. I'm saying that there would be a high chance that they would have grown apart, grown sick to each other's bad habits. 4 years into their relationship, Juliet would probably roll her eyes at Romeo and beg him to hurry with his talk, instead of being so wishy washy. And 10 years into their relationship, Romeo may, I don't know. Develop a wandering eye and start taking notice of Juliet's other younger cousin. And given his hasty nature, heck, he may even run away with that said cousin only to leave Juliet hanging and have everyone condemn him of being nothing but a lousy casanova for eternity instead of you know- Romeo.

So, my weird idea is, that it may have been a blessing that they died in each other arms (or did they) so tragically. The blessing is that they died loving each other and that their epic love story is one for the ages.

Had they not, and ended up together for a long time, their relationship might have ended in a dispute over property, children and having them running across the courts trying to tear each other's scalps out.

Yes? No?

I do not want to let my relationship develop only to have this very special person slowly realizing the worst in me over a period of 15-30 years. I do not want many many arguments slowly turn a much dreamed about home into a cold battlefield.

My idea is, sometimes, it may even be a blessing if I died in a tragic accident at the peak of some relationship and still in love, rather than to let it end up as, you know, what I just said.

Touchwood la, and for the couples who are very much in love till they're 80s, I give it to them.

But in my mind's eye, that, is one of the toughest things to accomplish in life.

I've not seen many people of this or the last generation do it (okay, abit impossible since they'll be like at most 60 now), or look like they're going to succeed in accomplishing it, and once again I am not exaggerating.

So you see, that I really do not have much faith at all. I don't even know if it's marriage or love that I am so doubtful about.

To sum it all off, alot of things I remember about love, is from Henry and Clare.

If you've never read about them, then I should tell you that Clair's husband's a time traveller.

Their's is probably the most realistic take on true love and marriage I have read so far, as impossible and unlikely their predicaments. Like many star-crossed lovers, they weren't together very long, but longer than many many others. Probably about 30 odd years.

And I sincerely believe, even though they're fictional, that a love like theirs would have lasted till both their hair turns grey. I sob like a baby every single time I read it.

I suppose that to have a marriage last you do not have to be in love with each other every single day. That would be close to impossible. I suppose that there could be some days that you feel like sleeping with your backs turned against each other. I suppose that it's okay when some days you get so very tired with you marriage that you dread heading home.

As long as that person you're married to forever stays the most important person in your life, and because of that, you wouldn't ever bear, want or afford to do something that could hurt him/her. And I suppose that it's okay if at the very end of all of it, you know that that person's what you'll call home.

But then again, who am I to say? I'm only 21. ): And already so fearful.