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2:37 AM

Had a really nice day today.

Goodnight world. ((:

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Tomorrow's launch.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011
11:47 PM

Hi darlings !

I'm in a pretty good mood today considering it's the first day of my new semester. Having to travel all the way to Clementi again in the wee hours of the afternoon(?) is never a welcoming thought, but surprisingly, it's been a really good day !

A couple of weeks ago, I was obsessively stalking Forever 21 everyday. Seriously, Gmail, Facebook and F21 were the first pages I opened even before my chrome finished loading. Like don't buy something will die like that.

Lol.

And within that few days, I bought quite alot of stuff, and they arrived a week ago and was mailed to me from my spree holder. I am completely useless when it comes to ordering stuff directly online for I'm much too too lazy to bother with the details, hence. Or perhaps it could be because I'm slow, but we all know that isn't very possible. (:

My stuff arrived in batches cause I ordered separately like every 2 days but they all arrived at about the same time so they were mailed to me packed in a singular package!

To my extreme horror, the stuff did not reach me after a week and of course, I, like a crazed girl cheated of her shopping kept bugging my spree holder incessantly, asking her "Do you think it's lost??", "Could it be lost?? )))):", "Ohhhhhh noooooooo !!!!! I think my items are allll loooooosssssttt !! )));;;;;".

Ya, somewhere along those lines. I don't know what help that'll do but I couldn't help it ! Hahahahahahaha. That's also why I know Smoochiezz deserves every cent I send to her for helping me order my stuff. She takes care of every single thing.

So anyhow, the items arrived today, everything including my H&M and I actually kindof like some of them, so I'm a happy girl ! Hehehhe. :DD

Plus, I got to have dinner with the boy too which I did not expect to do, so, double happiness. Kua kua kua, yes, laugh at my simple mindedness if you must. Lol !

Oh yes, now. Moving on from my materialistic droning, tomorrow's collection !

There are some stuff I kind of like, but I won't go into that.

What I'm most excited about is the first ever pair of shoe I'm bringing in !

It is cute maaaaaaaaaaaax, and I used to not really like flatforms when I first saw it on the Chanel runway. I have no idea why when they're so mad adorable.

Especially this leopard printed one. I AM MOST DEFINITELY GONNA KEEP A PAIR FOR MYSELF AND WEAR IT TILL IT ROTS.

Hahahaa. Abit exaggerated ah. It's just really cute la. Goes with so many things too.

Though, do you girls find it a little difficult to switch from normal platforms/wedges to flatforms? Though it's really comfy, I keep stumbling when I walk, so scary.

So, if you guys would like to get a pair, check back tomorrow during our launch okay ! 8.30pm ! ((:

Si Ying accompanied me that day to the shoot.

We were supposed to have Wasabi Tei before I accompanied her for her hair treatment but alas, fate was not by our side. We missed the afternoon shift and I missed the chance of having my veeeelvetty grilled cod fish. Hai.

Will try again next week. ):

And it was so good to have her there la ! I managed to take a breather while she helped to steam my clothes and everything.

Plus she's damn funny to boot. I'm always calling her like an auntie yakking on about tv dramas and what not. Don't know what I'd do without her ); Nobody to treat me to movies and wasabi tei anymooore. );; Right TSY? Looooolll !!

I ♥ those two photos of us !!

Goodnight you all. I hope you had a great start to this week too. (:

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Hunger strikes.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011
3:04 AM

Oh man. Would be great if I had these before me right now.

3am, and right on cue, my tummy's groaning.

Hehe.

♥ the food at La Petit Cuisine. In case you've never tried it, it's along Upper Thomson and it's damn value for money.

The crabmeat in that pasta's so yuuuummy and I want that teeny chocolate lava cake NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

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Weight.

Monday, July 04, 2011
12:06 PM

Hello.

I'm gonna be a little whiney today, so please bear with me.

There's something that's been bothering me a long time now, and still always is.

Everytime I head out to meet some of my friends, I always expect to hear some kind of comment about my size, my legs, my something, but I never seem to be quite ready for it.

I've never really let criticisms get to me and it's pretty easy for me to brush them aside.

I always kind of knew that they were said to bring you down, but coming from my friends, that's a little hard to swallow.

Sometimes, I know that the comments people give to me are for my own good and they mean well.

Sometimes, they're not.

I can always tell the difference.

Thus, it always irritates me when I notice the hint of (i don't know) deliberateness in the way they put it across?

I've always been a rather confident girl, and as narcissistic as this is going to sound, I like how I look. There are of course off days, but in general, yes, I like how I look. I've grown to learn to appreciate myself and wouldn't trade any part of me for the world (sure, once in a while I think I'd prefer myself with bigger boobs, a little more height, a higher nose bridge perhaps, but hey, that's life. a girl's gotta make the best of what she's got right?).

I know that I wasn't really born with this self esteem, maybe just half of it, and the rest developed with compliments people gave me (of course I don't believe in the half of them, but still).

What some these friends would say almost everytime they see me is that I'm too too skinny, or that I look scary, or that I've become even skinnier since the last time they saw me (okay, i get it, but technically, if i'm really skinnier everytime they saw me, i should have been reduced to nothing but bones by now). Sometimes, I catch them scrutinizing me for a very long while, and I'd think, oh man, here we go again, and of course, just like clockwork, it goes off.

Some of the comments, to me are kind of harsh, especially when I've heard them one too many times, from the same few people no less.

I know, how little this may sound, or how I must sound like I'm making all out of nothing.

How bad can it be to be called too skinny when gazillion of girls are running the diet rat race out there every single day?

Sometimes, I cannot be bothered and I'm convinced that I still look okay. I'm not totally delusional so I do know that I'm smaller than alot of girls out there, and it would probably be good if I had a teensy weeeny bit more (i'm convinced i can't be too fat, heck, i'm just a little close to 160 !).

But after awhile, the criticisms starts getting to you. "Your legs are like sticks" coming from my friends of years, and in my mind I'd be like hey ! I like my legs. A second later, I can feel the self esteem seeping out of me, and my confidence wavering, and in my mind, I'd like the way I look that much lesser.

So I'd wonder, as I began seething while they continue on their little debate, what is their point in saying all this? They better than anyone must know that I was born like this and do not deliberately try to be so petite. I don't watch what I eat, nor do I exercise. I love fatty meat, and gorge myself with nice food every chance I get.

So, why?

I may be overthinking it, but it always feels like they're bent on proving their point and having everyone agree that I'm way too skinny.

Sometimes, I'd feel extra mean and decide that perhaps it makes them feel better and of acceptable weight if I'm too skinny. Hem, I suppose that's extra extra extra mean, but, hey.

Okay okay fine. I give, you win and I look like this. Now I should go dig a hole and hide myself in it forever for I am hideous and scary looking.

Do you see now how skinny can be a criticism? I strongly believe that looking plump would be better than that. (I'm also very sorry for using this model's photo and if I ever see her, I'll buy her a cheeseburger)

I'm only a girl and when I get home, it does bother me. It bothers me as much as it does if your friends tell you you look fat or have gotten fatter over and over and over and over again. Though, I doubt any friend in their right mind and who also happens to value her life would do that. Even if it's the truth. Lol ! I'm kidding.

It won't be long until you start believing you look like a hippopotamus too.

Sometimes, I get quiet and a little moody if I ever consider what they've said. I start wondering if I'm anorexic. Or if I look that way. But hey ! I have cheeseburgers and fries for dinner and pizzas for lunch !

Heck, at least I'm don't weight 4okg and go " I need to dieeeeeeeet agaaaaaain", or "Oh nooooooooo. I'm soooooooo faaaaaaaaaaaat. ):" on facebook once every 2 days.

If knew that girl, I'd try to put her in her place by reminding her how skinny she is already.

But I don't, so why?

I would never ever tell someone they're too fat, or that they look horrible so fatty everywhere. That's just rude.

So why isn't it plain rude theother way around?

They too are unrelentlessly commenting on my body, my weight, and trying to let me know that I look awful. At the same time, they're trying to lose weight and seriously, I don't think they'll stop even if they reach they're 40s (as in kg). So why?

I know how petty I must sound. Lol, I know.

I'd be all sad that day and the boy will hear that there's something wrong and he'd just laugh if I told him. Then he'd go on to tell me that I look fine and he likes me just the way I am. Of course I'd go LIAR !! You'd like it more if I had bigger boobs right??? He'll laugh but in my mind, with all those neverending comments, I'd really think he's lying.

All the time, I can only sigh in exasperation and all retorts I think up on how I love my own body, and nothing they say can convince me otherwise would dissipate as quickly as my sanity. I'd fumble and never get my point across.

They are letting me know it's not okay to look the way I look just as the world is telling them that it isn't okay to look the way they look, hence the diets. So why?

Everytime I meet a girl, they always always seem to tell me the very same thing. That they've gained weight. And I'd think that's okay, honestly, like, gained weight WHERE? It doesn't even matter to me. They're still the same person inside aren't they?

So you're fat, she's thin, you're tall, she's short. Your thighs are smaller, her thighs has cellulite. You've got a tummy, she doesn't. Whatever man.

I still believe that it's important not to try too hard and to be comfortable in your own skin. Confidence shines through more than anything and people smell low self esteem from miles away.

So I'm too skinny, yeah yeah. I'll get the chance to be fat when I'm 40, thank you very much.

In the words of Reese Witherspoon - "It's one of those endless competitions, but it's like running a race towards nothing. There's no winning. You're never going to win the thin race. You're never going to win the pretty race. You're never going to win the smart race. You're never going to win the funny race. I just want to be the best version of myself I can be."

Seriously, if I can't love myself the way I am, then who can? And those are my own words.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but sometimes, you know. It gets to you.

2 Comments:

Cheer up girl. Don't get the comments affect you, you lead your own life. Show off to them that you're skinny and they're not! hahaha :)

By XIAOHAN, at 12:09 AM

Alamak, why you so sweet Xiaohan. I miss you alot suddenly ! Lol. (:(:

By rachael, at 4:02 AM

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Love.

Friday, July 01, 2011
2:52 AM

I'd say that I don't know exactly what it is, but I've got a few of ideas about it.

I've been reading some books lately, and usually, I'd snub the girlie loveydovey novels (yes, sometimes i do try too hard) and pick the ones that look a little more serious. However, you can only read so many conspiracy stories before they all sound the same.

So, these couple of weeks, I've been strategically trying to pick books a little more lighthearted and humorous- you know, the ones that will hopefully give me a bang for my buck. If it makes me laugh AND teaches me something about life, then that's a bonus.

Because the truth is, I'm a real scrooge if it doesn't concern clothes, bags or shoes. Yes, I'm materialistic, but I'm also a twenty year old living in a very superficial world. That's just the way it is.

So, these stories I've read, all in one way or another, are about relationships. Mostly man-woman relationships, there are the occasional ones on family and friendship, but I won't go into that. If I do, you'll probably take 2 days to finish this essay.

When I read, I always take sides. That is, unless the characters in the book are lovable to a fault which isn't very often in stories these days if you know what I mean. So yes, I'm always taking sides, and yes, this is probably because I'm a very bias person and have very extreme views on how things should be as I'm very often told.

If I said reading sets me thinking about love, and sometimes life, it's probably a little misconstrued because the truth is, these things are like the only things that I ever think about. Of course, occasionally there are the compulsory thoughts such as what to eat, shopping, judgmental thoughts about people, bla bla. But that's besides the point.

I think about it almost everyday. I wonder, I question, almost too much for my own good.

I don't know about other girls, but I do think that love, is the biggest deal in life and everything it is about.

It may sound extremely petty, but I do believe that a person's state of happiness is dependent

on the romantic relationship you are in.

I also too feel like, the person you choose to spend your life with can make or break it.

Also, pretty petty and I guess as a young female, saying that can't sound too empowering.

Don't get me wrong, I do not think that we're dependent on guys. I've never been much a feminist but I most definitely do not condone sexism. Guys can sometimes be that way which, I sometimes find rather irritating.

Digressing, have ever heard a guy say " You can't do ____ but I can. Because you're a girl and I'm a guy". Yes, and I also want to roll my eyes to the back of my head.

But that's besides the point for what I'm writing about today. It's actually really, nothing, and I probably do not have a conclusion to it, but I am however, very inspired.

Okay, so where was I?

Um, that romantic relationships are the crux of everything? No no. I think it's actually that THE romantic relationship's the most important thing that matters.

Anyways.

I grew up with Disney and probably have watched those cartoons one too many times. And a little while back, I was wondering, is it okay to allow kids to watch those things? I mean, most of them are about Princesses finding their one true love- and they tell us we shouldn't get into relationships so young.

I mean, those things practically forces the idea of BGR down our throats.

So, like I said, one too many times. I practically remember every princess' name. The ones I like most should be Ariel, Aurora and Belle.

Aurora because of her beautiful gown (nothing else really, I don't even remember her ever speaking), Belle because of how headstrong she was, and Ariel. Well, after On Stranger Tides, I think we can pretty much all admit that most of us can't turn down the mysterious mermish allure. Plus I swear she has the tiniest waist.

I do not have a favourite prince, they always felt like accessories didn't they? Put aside until they were required to save the day. Granted, all of them were pretty charming (haha), and if I had to choose, it would be Beast cause I remember him to be quite hot.

So anyway !

I grew up like that. Dreaming of a prince (haha, yeah, laugh if you must). Thus, I think I grew up a romantic, as many a cliche novels would put it, those are the worst. Seriously, I've read this line sooooo many times that I feel like asking my money back everytime I come across it.

And then, I got older. Of course.

Like alot of girls my age, I started dating preeeeetty young. It's that darned Disney I tell you. And Titanic. Oh Jack.

I listened to Jay Chou, and had these many weird ideas. Thinking back, I do agree now that kids shouldn't date too young. I didn't even know where my mind was at, and the worst part was that I thought I did.

I liked boys because other girls thought were cute. Seriously (like seriously?). Oh, youth.

The end of a relationship felt like the end of the world to me, although, I guuuuuesse it'll still kind of feel like that now but a little better I hope.

Of course, I grew up to realize that we're all capable of moving on. My heart really goes to those girls who jump because of relationship problems, because we all move on, and they didn't get the chance to witness someone more special, someone more worthy of them.

So growing older, made me more of a realist. Which is pretty handy when you're what they say's the worst, a romantic.

I'm still always having weird thoughts and notions which I guess is my main point in all this, and they're sometimes a dilemma and can be very puzzling.

At this age, I think that marriage is everything, but doesn't mean a thing.

Does that even make sense?

I've seen one too many times, where couples who have been together years, and years, and years, grow to ignore each other's rants, or hate each other's guts or, I don't know. What else?

I've seen it firsthand and of course, I've read about it.

Couples who drift apart after 20 years together and cannot even bear to take a glance at theother party, or speak amicably. Couples who blatantly ignore each other, going about their day's business. Even people who grow to detest their partner for putting them in the position they're in. A house that's not quite their dream, children not quite what they wanted, a spouse who did not live up to expectations, a life of what they feel like is regret, and they blame theother party.

There are countless problems, and I will not be able to list them all, I'm pretty sure of that.

I think that a marriage means nothing the moment a guy has a wandering eye and wishes to be someplace else other then where he is- which is married to his aging cellulite growing naggy wife. Or vice versa. Another thing which surprises me is that people seem to forget that unfaithfulness doesn't limit to genders.

I guess the thing that summarizes the above is that I see couples grow sick, and by sick I mean thoroughly SICK of each other's company.

You must think I'm exaggerating but I KNOW. At least about this, I'm not. It's depressing I tell you. You can tell apart the couples who still love each other and are in it because they're responsible, trying to keep their word to each other as opposed to the ones who are just in it.

And then, in Singapore context's of course, there are the uncles who decides to pick up a girl half his age just for the fun of it (i'm guessing it's not because of love). Who's to say he didn't adore his wife when they just met?

I can never decide which is sadder. The not even interested in speaking couple or the ones who stray couple. I paint a pretty bleak picture, yes?

As I'm nearing 21, everytime marriage is brought up or even when I think about it, really think about it, not just in the oh-so-happy-in-a-teenage-dream-sense, I get kind of jittery.

Perhaps, it's still too early to think about these all, but like I said, it's almost all I think about since I was probably 5. It was kind of always in my head.

50 years is a long time to spend with someone.

How am I supposed to choose when I hardly know what love is??

Everytime, I read a book, and someone cheats (it's a little weird but the one who cheats always seem to be the protagonist), I'd really really really dislike the character.

Like close to hate dislike. I suppose I may have my reasons.

Sometimes it's the guy, sometimes it's the girl. It doesn't really matter which.

Most of the time my heart breaks more when it's the girl who's unfaithful, don't ask me why.

Then of course, as we all know, everybody suffers and ends up miserable, usually the sinner most. And in my mind, I'd always think that that persons deserves everything he/she's getting. They should have known better.

But should they?

I can't even say for myself that I would never ever do it. Lose interest in someone, find yourself thinking day by day that somebody else is that much more special.

I feel like I won't now, but who's to say anything about the future?

We all know about that happy bubble at the start of a relationship. The air smells different, fresher. You don't even taste the food cause you're too excited eating with that special someone. Nothing can bring you down, even the screaming baby on the bus amuses you. For some, it could be a few months, others the first year, some other the first five years.

And then everything just starts getting a little too old, a little too familiar, a little too snappish, a little too taken for granted. And then, after that it's just a humdrum.

So, what? Then what?

I don't know.

Oh yes ! And I'm also always having this weird idea.

I never thought much of Romeo and Juliet. Mainly because, I think Juliet was like 14? And probably Romeo too, ya, around there.

Like I said, I have grown to feel like 13nish 14nish is not a very good state of mind to be in love but hey, again, I could be wrong.

Plus they only met each other a couple of times ! Plus Romeo was interested in Juliet's cousin before he met her !

Which kind of further convinces me that I'm right on this point. I'm pretty sure that if they had more time together, instead of being so hasty, IF they had more time together.

If their families had magically agreed to let them be together, or if they had managed to run away together, they would not have lasted.

I'm not saying they're happily ever after is not possible. I'm saying that there would be a high chance that they would have grown apart, grown sick to each other's bad habits. 4 years into their relationship, Juliet would probably roll her eyes at Romeo and beg him to hurry with his talk, instead of being so wishy washy. And 10 years into their relationship, Romeo may, I don't know. Develop a wandering eye and start taking notice of Juliet's other younger cousin. And given his hasty nature, heck, he may even run away with that said cousin only to leave Juliet hanging and have everyone condemn him of being nothing but a lousy casanova for eternity instead of you know- Romeo.

So, my weird idea is, that it may have been a blessing that they died in each other arms (or did they) so tragically. The blessing is that they died loving each other and that their epic love story is one for the ages.

Had they not, and ended up together for a long time, their relationship might have ended in a dispute over property, children and having them running across the courts trying to tear each other's scalps out.

Yes? No?

I do not want to let my relationship develop only to have this very special person slowly realizing the worst in me over a period of 15-30 years. I do not want many many arguments slowly turn a much dreamed about home into a cold battlefield.

My idea is, sometimes, it may even be a blessing if I died in a tragic accident at the peak of some relationship and still in love, rather than to let it end up as, you know, what I just said.

Touchwood la, and for the couples who are very much in love till they're 80s, I give it to them.

But in my mind's eye, that, is one of the toughest things to accomplish in life.

I've not seen many people of this or the last generation do it (okay, abit impossible since they'll be like at most 60 now), or look like they're going to succeed in accomplishing it, and once again I am not exaggerating.

So you see, that I really do not have much faith at all. I don't even know if it's marriage or love that I am so doubtful about.

To sum it all off, alot of things I remember about love, is from Henry and Clare.

If you've never read about them, then I should tell you that Clair's husband's a time traveller.

Their's is probably the most realistic take on true love and marriage I have read so far, as impossible and unlikely their predicaments. Like many star-crossed lovers, they weren't together very long, but longer than many many others. Probably about 30 odd years.

And I sincerely believe, even though they're fictional, that a love like theirs would have lasted till both their hair turns grey. I sob like a baby every single time I read it.

I suppose that to have a marriage last you do not have to be in love with each other every single day. That would be close to impossible. I suppose that there could be some days that you feel like sleeping with your backs turned against each other. I suppose that it's okay when some days you get so very tired with you marriage that you dread heading home.

As long as that person you're married to forever stays the most important person in your life, and because of that, you wouldn't ever bear, want or afford to do something that could hurt him/her. And I suppose that it's okay if at the very end of all of it, you know that that person's what you'll call home.

But then again, who am I to say? I'm only 21. ): And already so fearful.

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